Pairing: HyukHae; implied HyukSu
Summary: DongHae knew he couldn't compete with HyukJae's best friend.
Comments: Written because domestik_fucker demanded it. :F I tried my best. -o-V
I’ve liked you for a long time, you know…
Of course you like me silly, we’re best friends.
No, it’s different. I don’t just like you…I love you.
DongHae could feel his heart jump up into his throat as he pressed his back to the wall behind him. Next to him was the open door to the room that HyukJae shared with a few of the other Super Junior boys. However, the only two people in the room at the moment were HyukJae and JunSu. It was a rare occasion that JunSu could ever be in the apartment to spend time with HyukJae, but it was one of those times where DongHae wished he wasn’t here. He could feel his skin tingling with half nervousness and he knew he should be standing outside the room listening but he couldn’t move. Something was holding him there against that wall and he stared straight ahead to the opposite.
JunSuyah...it’d be really easy for me to love you back but…DongHaeyah…
His breath caught in his throat as he heard his name come from HyukJae’s lips and for a few moments he lost himself in thought. DongHae could remember back to the days when he’d been just fourteen and joined SM for training. It was obvious from day one that JunSu and HyukJae were the best of friends and even SungMin didn’t try to compete with that. He didn’t outwardly appear to dislike being the third wheel. Wherever you found one, the other was not far away and it remained that way up until JunSu debuted with Dong Bang Shin Gi in late 2003. DongHae had never felt out of place around JunSu or HyukJae. They both accepted and loved him as another close friend but as time passed DongHae found he was getting a little closer to HyukJae. It was some time around debut that HyukJae had backed the younger boy against the wall and kissed him. He hadn’t protested and it was an automatic yes when the older dancer had asked DongHae to be his lover. Even though he knew he’d always play second best to JunSu.
DongHae snapped back to reality at the sound of footsteps coming towards the door. He could feel his heart flutter with a slight panic, worried that he’d be caught eavesdropping on the two older boys. Forcing himself away from the wall, he bolted into the bathroom and closed the door as fast as he could without slamming it. Back pressed to the door, he tilted his head back to rest against it. He could still hear their muffled voices and wished he couldn’t make out their words.
Just think about it…because it’s not going to change anytime soon.
I’ll think about it…
Despite the fact it had been a vague answer, DongHae felt his stomach clench uncomfortably and as the voices faded he slowly slid to be sitting on the bathroom floor. The dancer pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around is legs. He took a deep breath as his forehead rested against his kneecaps. A voice in the back of his mind nagged at him mercilessly.
You don’t have a prayer. Give it up now.
It had been two weeks since overhearing the conversation HyukJae had with JunSu and DongHae had spent many nights on the roof of the apartment complex. His mp3 player gave him a source of comfort but the more time that passed, the less comforted he was. HyukJae had been detached and the younger dancer could only wish he didn’t know why. Several times he’d tried to bring himself to confront his lover but ended up backing out of it each time. HyukJae didn’t question him either.
So lost in his own thoughts, DongHae didn’t even hear the footsteps of someone approaching until a pair of familiar arms were wrapped around his waist. A familiar pair of lips pressed a kiss to his cheek before a chin rested on his shoulder.
“Annyeong…” HyukJae’s voice replaced the music as the elder boy reached up to pluck one of the earbuds away.
DongHae shut the mp3 player off, stuffing it into his pocket completely before sparing a glance at the other. “Annyeong.”
HyukJae nuzzled his nose against the other’s cheek lightly. “You’re really cold. Come back inside with me?”
The younger Junior had to hold back his want to scoff at his lover. His teeth grit for a moment and he shook his head and gently moved to pull himself away from HyukJae’s hold. That only resulted in HyukJae tightening his grip.
“What’s the matter with you?” He muttered.
A million things ran through his head that he would have liked to turn and scream at HyukJae, each thought more vehement then the last but when he opened his mouth to speak, the words were lost on the tip of his tongue.
“I just want to be alone right now. That’s all it is.” DongHae stated flatly, succeeding this time in wrenching his body away from HyukJae’s.
He didn’t raise his eyes from the surface beneath them, he didn’t have to in order to know that the look on HyukJae’s face was incredulity. When he finally did raise them, he saw something that he hadn’t expected. Guilt.
“DongHaeyah…I need to talk to you about something.” He murmured softly.
The younger boy sucked in a quick breath, his heart rate speeding up just a little. He knew what was coming and he prayed to whatever god existed to stop time, turn it backwards so he could change things. So that he could somehow be good enough for the boy that stood in front of him. He didn’t notice that his hands kept curling and uncurling into fists, fingernails digging into his palms. DongHae remained silent, figuring that was plenty indication for HyukJae to continue.
“Two weeks ago…when JunSuyah came over…he told me something.” HyukJae started, shifting uncomfortable. “And I hadn’t really expected it at the time…but…I think it was a long time coming…”
DongHae shivered faintly, his stomach once more clenching uncomfortably as he stared down at the ground. HyukJae sounded distant and hollow and he knew that it was his mind trying to shut out the inevitable in order to protect himself.
“Don’t…” He murmured gently, arms coming up to wrap around his body. “Just don’t…because I know what you’re going to tell me.” The silence that followed was his cue to continue. “When JunSuyah was over two weeks ago…and you two were talking…I overheard the conversation. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but…I couldn’t help it.”
“You heard all that…?” HyukJae’s voice sounded tight but DongHae couldn’t tell if it was from anger or guilt.
The younger dancer nodded and he drew in a sharp breath. “I did…so I know what you’re going to tell me and it's ok. I can’t compete with him…and I don’t even know where I’d start.”
DongHae took a step back as HyukJae stepped forward but he wasn’t quick enough and the older dancer took hold of his arms and pulled the younger against his body. The same familiar arms wrapped around him and held tightly.
“I’m sorry. I really am…” HyukJae murmured. “I really do love you.”
“No…you don’t.” DongHae’s voice was shaky as was his body against HyukJae’s. “You never really did.”
Once again, he was met with silence and that was enough to confirm his statements. His body stiff, he didn’t return the hold nor did he pull away from it but simply waited for HyukJae to let go. Their eyes met briefly and DongHae could see the utter guilt that washed over the older boy. His own were slate blank and he knew that. He did it on purpose.
“I really am sorry. I didn’t mean to lie to you.”
“Just go…ok? Let’s forget about it.”
Even if he wanted to forget about it, DongHae wasn’t sure how he’d store away the last year with HyukJae. He watched the older boy leave the roof and when he was out of sight, he canted his head back to look at the stars. His whole body felt numb and he couldn’t feel the tears that slid down his cheeks.